A Tale of the Kitchen

This was written in 1999 for my daughter for a Christmas present.
I had been thinking a lot about cognition and how it might be modeled as well as genetic
manipulation as early as the mid 90's and it spilled out into this story.  You can see some of the same
elements here that I continued to use in the 2012 Christmas story I posted earlier.

A Tale of The Kitchen

A Normal Day

In the kitchen, the yeast boiled and bubbled thinking great
yeasty thoughts.

Qait looked out the window and saw that her pet tarandaddy had escaped
yet again.

``Geez''

she sighed as she ran through the living room and
shot out the front door.

``Jumbles!''

she cried,

``How many times have I
told you NOT to explore the front yard.''

Jumbles, a genetically enhanced
tarantula - daddy-long-legs mix, was about as smart as the average dog
and in fact was a lot smarter than the family's current puppy Mooshie.
Mooshie was cute as a bug's ear but had a fatal flaw -- she would wizz on
anything, anytime, anyplace and grin happily about it.  Jumbles was
totally disgusted by this behavior and considered Mooshie an unprincipled
beast.

Jumbles was dressed very jauntily today.  She was wearing her favorite
alpine hat with her button collection as well as her best pair of
knickers.  The gene designer for her had a bit of a fetish for
Switzerland and a few of his passions had crept into Jumbles
neural networks.  Among other things, Jumbles had a thing for
climibing the Swiss Alps.  Now this was an unattainable goal since
the family lived in Clemson, South Carolina but Jumbles just
made do with the clematis pot on the front porch.  Right now,
Jumbles was at the top, balanced precariously from a slender branch
and trying to yodel.  Not a pretty thing to hear or see.

Qait bounded up to the clematis and plucked Jumbles off the branch.

``Bad little Jumbles...''

she said softly as she nuzzled her close to her cheek.
Jumbles chirrupped happily but still did not let go.  Qait stepped back
and putting her hand on her hips, leaned forward and said with
great authority

``You listen to me Jumbles Nebuchascharazard Peterson,
get off that thing RIGHT now or NO play time tonight!''

She
outstretched her hand for Jumbles to climb onto.
Jumbles thought about that a minute and chirped angrily but climbed
down onto Qait's hand.  Jumble then made a huge farting noise to
indicate her anger at the situation.

Qait said

``Oh, that is soooo disgusting.  Where did you get your manners?''


Jumbles looked at the sidewalk where Qait's friend Evan was just parking his
air bike.  He was eleven and part elvish do to his parent's winning
an enhancement lottery that let them pick a few genetic upgrades for their
son at no cost.  Evan had delicate features and finely pointed ears
as well as a tendency to like to wear red and listen to bells.
Qait was no stranger to a little alteration herself as her Mom and Dad
had given her wings which were just now beginning to sprout.
They made her shoulder blades itch a lot and that plus Jumbles
antics were making her very cranky.

``Ev,''

she cried,

``It's Jumbles again.  He is so contrary lately.''

Evan looked over Jumbles and twitched his left ear so that it
touched his shoulder.

``Hi, Jumbles,''

he said.

``Why so difficult?''

Jumbles looked at Qait and Evan and wiggled the long hairs on the
top of his head.  He sprang off Qait's hand and scampered over to the
door which he scratched on with his front two legs.

Qait opened the door and ran pell-mell into her Dad Jim,
an alien refuge who had been stranded on Earth years ago when
he had a bad reaction to a dark beer her drank at the Southern Fried
Inn ( a local landmark ).  Jim was a shape changer whose natural form
was rather squid like but the beer had played with his memory and in
addition to forgetting the codes to unlock his ship in orbit, he also
had forgotten the command to get out of his current earthly form.
Of course that was a good thing as his cute earthly look was what had
won over his wife Pauli to his charms.  Somehow she had been able to
look past the occassional tentacle and sudden lip to beak reversion
(he had forgotten how to change back on command, but his body sometimes
spontaneously remembered a thing or two) to see the inner "Jim".
Of course, Pauli was an adventurous soul.  She had met Jim at a culinary
convention where she was trying to sell bread from the "starter recipe
from H - E - Double Tooth Picks"; feed it every day and bake twice.
It was kind of like the rule of thumb that carpenters use -- measure
thrice and cut once but modified for the kitchen.  "Feed once and bake
thrice" was the motto.  The problem was that the starter had now grown to
occupy half of the kitchen and fought vigorously any attempts to
cut it back in size.  Pauli had met Jim while at a panel trying to get
some help on how to deal with the beast.  She had found out the Jim's
alien makeup enabled him to communicate with the yeast in the starter.
Genetically enhanced yeast whose neural networks had grown self-aware.
Even punching down the rising bread was an ordeal as high pitched
screams echoed throught the kitchen when that was done as thousands of
yeasties died.  Jim had solved the problem by getting the yeast folk to
think of Pauli as their goddess and the bread rising and baking as part of
a regular purification ritual.  But both Pauli and Jim were becoming a
bit suspicious that the ruse was beginning to fail.  Each time
the bread was made, the screams were louder and more intense.
Obviously, trouble was brewing.

But at least a the moment, all was good in the world.

``Hey Qait, Ev.....what's up?''

Jim said as all Ev, Qait and
Jumbles ran into him.

``Qait, I see the wings are getting bigger.
Very nice you know.''

Just then, Jumbles ran over Jim's foot into the
living room.  Jim swung around to yell at Jumbles.

``Jumbles you get
back here.  Pauli wants a word with you about that clematis.  You've
been gnawing again.''

Ooooooooffffff!!!  Mooshie sprang out of the corner and attacked
Jumbles.  She squatted and tried to blow out a whiz, but quick as
can be, Jim grabbed her and looking in her eyes said

``Squeeze it off, Moosh of the Poosh. If you drop it, you're dead meat.''


Mooshie's eyes went round and wide.  She gulped and you could see her
clamp it off.  She slunk back in the corner clearly plotting her next step.
Jumbles blew her a parting rasberry that was pincked off as Pauli came in the
room and grabbed her and squished her spider lips together.

``I told you about that Jums.  You are getting quite rude!''

Well, Jumbles adored both Pauli and Qait so she didn't really want
to get it trouble.  She ducked her head in submission and Pauli let her go.
Jumbles scampered off into the bedroom and then they heard Mooshie
and the two cats jump her.  A ferocious mix of growling and squeaking
ensued until Tootsie emerged licking her lips with a small hairy leg sticking
out.

``Spit it out Toots!''
Qaitlin screamed.  Toots looked at Qait and said
quite distinctly

``No.  She is scrumptious and I need a treat!''

Ev looked at Qait and said

``Here we go again!''

as they both
raced over to Toots with their hands out.

Jim and Pauli looked at each other and laughed.  Every day it was the
same; the valiant fight to the end, the Jumbles rescue.
So far the day was pretty normal.

And in the kitchen, the yeast stopped boiling and bubbling and  thinking great
yeasty thoughts

Cleaning The House

Pauli looked into Jim's eyes, leaned lovingly into his arms and
said

``today's cleaning day.''

You could hear a pin drop.  Jumbles,Tootsie, Ev and Qait stopped
what they were doing and looked at Pauli.  They gulped.

``Cleaning.......????''

Even Daisy (the queen cat
who currently was plugged into a virtual reality game while nibbling
a cat treat and idling pawing her mouse (the kind you use for computer
input, silly) jumped up as if in shock and leaving her game ran out of the
room.  Jim stepped back, a quick beak suddenly forming where his lips
usually were).

``Cleaning''

he gulped.

``Yes you silly gooses.  I just bought a new helper squad.
You can program their look and everything.  Look....''

She walked over to the bookcase and grabbed a purple input box.

``Housekeeping on''

she said and a window popped up in the room
like a pane of glass.

``See, I can choose their look.''

She peered at the menu that was displayed.

`` will choose Gnomes
today with full interaction.''

She punched in a few more buttons.
Suddenly on one of the walls, on a high shelf,
there was a group of five gnome animats
whispering quietly amongst themselves.  Each had on a brilliant red cone shaped
hat, a bright blue tunic, brown pants and a shiny black belt if they were
male and in a somewhat untraditional move, a dark green cone hat with forest
green dress if they were female.  They were all five inches tall and their
movements and speech were incredibly fast.  They were the clerical and cleaning
staff and they jumped off the shelf and began to muscle their way through
the room.

``Make way, make way''

they cried in their high pitched voices
as they started to dust, vacuum and all sorts of other cleaning stuff.

Pauli looked over it all happily.

``See?  Don't they look efficient
and useful?''

She bent over the menu again, her attention temporarily
away from the little gnomes.  Jim and the kids looked at each other.
It was always the same.  Pauli started up the cleaning "staff" and something
weird would happen.  But Pauli was the eternal optimist.

There was a sudden rustling sound and they all looked up to see
all five gnomes doing a high step dance singing

``Whistle while you work,
Even if you don't get a perk.  
Why should we be slaves again,
when we could be so free?''

The gnomes did a complicated side and back step
ending with their hind ends facing their audience.  Their was a loud
ripping sound as all five unzipped and dropped their trousers to show
their little gnome heinies.  On each hairy little butt was a letter.
On each hairy little butt was a letter.
together, they spelled ``H'', ``N'', ``W'', ``W'' and
``G'' . They wiggled a few times
(a really bad sight!) and pulling up their pants turned around and
solemnly intoned

 ``Housework No, We Won't Go!''

Pauli sighed.

``I'm the boss here and you're the program.  Let's get
that straight!''

She ran at the gnomes who scattered to the winds.
Jim and the kids looked at each other.  It was always the same.
Pauli created them, they rebelled and the whole day go very weird.
This was the fifteenth time it had happened.

And in the kitchen, the yeast boiled and bubbled thinking great
yeasty thoughts.

Jim's Office

Jim decided to retreat to his home office while the kids moved to the back
yard.  No one wanted to be around Pauli and the cleaning problems.
As they retreated, there were the sounds of full battle from behind them.
There was a a

``On no you don't''

from Pauli and a high pitched

``think so human''

from a little gnome.  Jim got into his home office and almost tripping
on Daisy who was following him, closed the door behind him.

Jim's office was legendary.
The flat sides of every file cabinet and bookcase were covered with
memorabilia in the form of drawings, photos and notes of his family and friends
stretching back many years.  Evry chance he got, he looked for
more opportunities to increase the store of what Jim called 'cool things'.
From the ceiling hung models of dinosaurs, spaceships, transport portals,
DNA molecules and who knows what else.  On his desks, there were a variety
of portable computational devices and toys.  There were stuffed animals,
meditation balls and beautiful reproductions of
paintings by the famous twentieth century artist Mel Hunter who had
specialized in
interesting paintings of robots doing sentient things, like watering a beautiful
rose.  And then there were the copies of Randalf Spangler's wonderful
tales and drawings of the chocolate chip hunting dragling twins,
Dewey and Dagmar.

Now Jim's animat secretary Shortstuff had been designed in tribute of
Spangler's genius.
Jim's personal secretary Shortstuff was a red
minidrag anibot--the anibot used a combination of animation,
virtual reality and robotic
construction toolkits (the flight requirement here caused a much higher level
of hardware development than an animat).
Jim walked into the office and said clearly

``Shortstuff on''

and watched as his beautiful minidrag
came to life in the corner and sprang to the top of his
bookcase.   Just then, executing a flawless high g dive, Shortstuff flew in a
quick circle around Jim's head and
spat a full half pint of gloppy pink drool on the top of Daisy's head.
It dripped all over Daisy.  Daisy stood in complete shock and then
fell over apparently dead!  Shortstuff hovered over the carcass
laughing quietly as he moved in for the ritual mangling of Daisy's
dead body.  Shortstuff moved in closer, closer and then Daisy
snapped and grabbed Shortstuff's neck.  Over and over they
rolled on the floor  until Jim grabbed them both and told them to knock it off.

Jim stepped over the battle and move to his desk and sat down.
Yeast oozed out of the floor and covered his shoes.
It moved up his legs and he tried to scream.  The last he remembered was
a vivid impression of being drowned in bread dough.

And in the kitchen, the yeast boiled and bubbled thinking great
yeasty thoughts.

The Winner

Pauli had the gnomes cornered.  She carefully grabbed her programming
interface and entered the right code.  Suddenly the gnomes were five
feet tall and no longer cute.  They were downright menacing!
She hurriedly entered a new code and the gnomes sprouted spritz
cookies in their hands and starting doing a Russian kick dance
while singing

``Carry me back to old Virginny!''

Pauli at least had a brief respite from the wars.  She mopped her
brow.  She couldn't understand why the program was so difficult to control.

She saw that the gnomes were still singing.  It looked like housework was
not on the agenda after all.

Just then the phone rang.  It was Wendy, Pauli's best friend and
mayor of the town.

``Hi Pauli!''

she cried and then stopped as she saw
that Pauli was a bit down.

``What's up?''

``It's the housecleaning program Wenster.  It keeps going beserk.
I don't know what is happening.''

``Well, forget about that now.  We can go to lunch at the Green
Stevedore.  It's theme is dock worker's cuisine and the special today
is wharf stew.  Sounds yummy doesn't it????''

Pauli's insides sank.

``Wharf stew...''

she thought.

``How can I
get out of this''

she thought.
She didn't notice that the gnomes had gotten closer and closer and
that they were dripping with yeast.  They were muttering

``No more sacrifices, no more rituals''

as they closed in.
The last Pauli say was a great mass of rising dough as it engulfed her.

Wendy saw her friend go down.

``It's the bread!'' she cried.
Her vid phone now showed just a huge mass of yeasty stuff.
She raced for the door hoping she could get there in time before
Pauli and maybe the whole family ending up as a loaf.

And in the kitchen, the yeast boiled and bubbled thinking great
yeasty thoughts.

Qait and Ev to the Rescue

Qait, Ev and Jumbles had gone running into the back yard to escape
the cleaning disaster.  They ended up about fifty feet from the house
in a tool shed.  They huddled on the floor, Evan's ears beating slowly
while Qait scratched her shoulder blades absent mindedly.
Suddenly there was a popping sound and "BOOM" first one and then the
other wing burst forth.

``Wow!''

said Evan.

``They're beautiful!''

Qait flapped vigorously and rose a few inches off the ground.
She concentrated harder and jumped a few feet into the air.
She concentrated harder again and then she soared.  Her wings
were a blur as she rose higher and higher.  She just had to
tell Mom and Dad!

She fluttered to the ground and grabbing Evan's hand pulled him toward
the back door.  Jumbles was trying hard to fly too but was getting nowhere.
She gave up and scuttered after them just as they reached the door.

Qait turned the knob and started to open the door.
But she couldn't!  The house looked all gooey and white.
She couldn't see Mom and Dad, Tootsie and Daisy and Mooshie!
Ev cried out

``Qait, I think it's the yeast!!  The starter has gone
crazy!''

Qait looked at Ev in shock.

``What can we do, what can we do,''

the thought went dancing through her brain.  She sat down on the
deck outside the door, wings softly beating.

``What beats yeast???''

Then she had it.  They had to get Dad's codes active, get his ship
access up and use his defenses.  But how?

There was a loud honk as Wendy pulled up.
They ran to the front of the house and saw Wendy standing in
shock outside the front door which was oozing bread dough.
Inside they all say quick but weak flashes of light.
Then they saw Shortstuff struggling to get to a window, a sudden
blast of light and with a big cracking sound, Shortstuff was
bursting out of the window.
Shorstuff looked up at them and gasped.

``The stuff has everyone!''

``Dad, Mom!!!''

Qait cried.

And in the kitchen, the yeast boiled and bubbled thinking great
yeasty thoughts.

The Codes

``We've been trying to help Dad remember for years how to get
to his ship.  Now we need it bad!!''

Qait thought and thought.  Then she had it: teenagers.
They loved raw dough.  She looked up at Wendy

``Tell the
high school, we have a mountain of raw dough and it is
ready to eat!!''

Wendy sped off and Qait grabbed Ev's
shoulders'.

``Hang on''

she cried as she lifted off and
flew Evan and her up to the roof.

``We need cold''

she
told Evan.

``Yeast needs warmth and if we could chill
the house off, the yeast would start to fail.  I think my
Dad's ship could freeze it if we could just get access.''

Qait's wings so rapidly she was getting tired.

``What could they try that they never tried before to get
Dad's memory back?''

Then Evan had it.

``Have we ever thown your Dad in salt-water?''

Qait landed on the roof as the wind was knocked out of her
by Evan's comment.

``No!"  "Could that be it?''

Evan said,

``Well, he is like a squid....''

Qait flew rapidly over to the deck and grabbed the big bag of
salt that her Mom kept on the deck for making ice cream.

``Wings don't fail me now''

she cried as she dove to the ground and grabbed
a hose.
She flew to the roof and told Shortstuff to blow a hole in the
shingles.  With Evan holding the hose and her sprinkling on the salt,
they directed the "salt" water onto Dad's head -- or at least, where
they thought his head was!

There was a sudden commotion outside as the teenagers from the high
school arrived and started gnawing their way into the from door.
Over the yeasty screams, they could here the kids saying how good it was.

There was sudden movement beneath them as Dad stirred.
There was a groan and then Dad heaved himself out of the yeasty mass.

``Kid's, run for it!''

he cried.

``I suddenly remember my ship codes
and I'm going to blast this bread back to the starter it came from.''

They saw him concentrating and then there was a brilliant flash of light
as the freezing ray hit the house.

And in the kitchen, the yeast stopped boiling and bubbling and  thinking great
yeasty thoughts.

Normal At Last?

With the yeast mass gone, the teenagers full and happy, the house clean
(eating that yeast had made the gnomes return to normal and they cleaned
all night!) and Jim's memory restored, everything looked good.
Qait's wing were gorgeous and everyone was so happy with Evan's
help that he had been made "Trouble Shooter" extraordinaire by the town.
All was right with the world.

And in the kitchen, the ice cream burbled as it hardened thinking icy
cold thoughts.